Denial
by drarrysev
Summary: Clark is sick. Very sick. He goes home to die, and to say goodbye to those he loves.
1. Alone

I own absolutely nothing... except of course for my computer... but my grandma gave it to me... and you can't have it...

Alone  
By DrarrySev

It started as a slight tremor. Nothing more than exhaustion would cause. Except of course, Clark Kent never truly got exhausted. The tremor did not go away. It was followed by a growing weakness and sense of lethargy. Oh, he could still run super fast and he was still invulnerable to all but the green meteorites that surrounded his hometown... but now he was tired all the time.

After missing a week's worth of classes and the beginning of a rather horrid sounding cough, Chloe convinced him he was being foolish to hide away and so he finally called home. His parents were very worried and came to metropolis immediately to pick him up. By the time they got there he was shivering and sweating with a high fever. They bundled him up and whisked him home. Martha assured Chloe that they would let her know how he was doing.

Jonathon and Martha Kent were scared. Their son had only been sick once before and that had nearly killed him. They had no idea what was wrong withClark. As they watched him shiveringwith fever they prayed thatClark would get better soon.

Clarkwas scared. He had been sick once before... butthis felt different.This felt final. Clark closed his eyes as he shiverred with fever and prayed that it would be over soonbecause he hadan idea about what was wrong with him.

Over the next two weeks Clark grew steadily worse. He lost weight because he couldn't keep any food down at all. His limbs trembled all the time and his breathing grew more raspy by the day. A tightness started to grow in his chest as he resigned himself to the fact that in all likelyhood he was dying. He begged his mother to write letters for him... you know, just in case.

Though his parents refused to give up hope, they were pragmatic enough to honor his request...

---

_Dear Chloe,  
If you are reading this letter, then I am gone. I am so sorry to tell you this way. I just don't have the strenght to do it face to face. I hope you understand. I have gotten very sick and we aren't surewhy. I have my suspicions, but that is neither here nor there.  
I wanted you to know how much I have appreciated you these past years. Out of everyone... all my friends and even Mom and Dad, who until this moment did not know as I never told them, you were the one who knew it all.  
Your letters, phone calls, and visits have saved me from depression more times than you know. Having you with me in college kept me sane.  
My heart aches without him... and I think I have finally exceeded whatever time limit my body has. Despite your best efforts, it appears I was right all along. I simply cannot live without him.  
He won't speak to me anymore and returns the few pieces of obligatory holiday mail that I send him each year. Please make sure that he gets my diaries. I need him, but I amrelieved to see that he does not need me.  
He struggles with his weaknesses,but he is strong. I know he fightsagainst his father both metaphorically and literally.It eases an ache in my heart to know that he will stand tall despite the pain and confusion that my decision has caused him.I was surprised to see that hemaintains a presence here in Smallville.  
Yes, my dear sister, I have returned home to ... uh, well, to die. I will be writing him a letter telling him everything. All the answers to all of his questions... and even to questions he would never ask. He will need a good friend after he reads it and I am asking you to be that friend. Watch over him for me. I was able to protect him from everyone but myself.  
Got to go, I love you girl. My heart and soul tell me that you will do great things.  
Love, Clark _

---

"Clark, what secrets have you kept from us? And what do you mean you will tell Lex everything?" Martha exclaimed.

"Just write his letter Mom, you will understand."

---

_Dear Lex,  
I hope that you will read this letter before you decide to throw it out. It will be the last letter you ever receive from me and being the selfish prick you have often accused me of being, I am not above using emotional blackmail to get you to read it. It is my last wish.  
Sit down Lex.  
I am dying.  
Actually, if you have received this letter then I have already gone.  
I never thought it would end this way. It wasn't supposed to. We were the stuff of legends, you and I. I never wanted to turn my back on you. Perhaps after I explain everything you will understand... and maybe even forgive.  
Lex, I am an alien.  
God, you don't know how often I have wanted to tell you that. At first I didn't because of fear. My father, Jonathon... you will understand the distinction soon, and mother had both warned me since I was a small child... Never tell. My head was filled with horrifying visions of alien dissection and a lifetime being treated as a specimen. Very soon after meeting you, though... the more I got to know you... I wanted to tell you. I felt you would, oh, I don't know understand? Be able to deal with and still treat me normal?  
What you need to know is that I have not always known... I always knew I was different, stronger, faster, tougher than other people... but it was not until you hit me with your car, yes Lex I can finally admit it, you hit me with your car, that I started to freak. I confronted my parents, because even faster and stronger I should have gotten more than a bruise from the impact. They told me the truth. I came with the meteors... or they came with me, I never did quite figure that out.  
They found me and my ship or pod. They took me in, on the way home is when they found your father and then they rescued you. I remember that day. That is the day my soul met its other half... of course I would not know that for many years to come. Anyway... I am babbling, my mother is writing this because I can not. She is taking dictation so please excuse the informal rambling style. It is me at this moment and I want to give you as much of me as I can.  
Remember when I disappeared for three months? My biological father, Jor-El, put Jonathan into a coma and sucked me into the cave walls. I don't much care for my father. He had previously tried to mess with my mind. He branded me and tried to force me to conquer the world... trust me it was not nearly as funny living it as it is trying to explain it. I destroyed the ship... sorry, I stole your key shaped piece of meteor rock, which by the way is called Kryptonite, and kablooey. It was the day of your wedding to Helen.  
It was supposedto be okay. I thought my parents would be safe at your wedding... but they weren't. Jor-El warned me I would hurt the ones I loved if I refused him, but I didn't believe him. The shock wave flipped the truck and Mom lost the baby. I ran after that, but Jonathon loved me too much to let me and with the help of the cave and some temporary strength, Dad literally whipped my but. A novel experience I am happy to say was never repeated.  
I thought the fight with Jor-El was over... but he kept messing with my head. He forced every evasion, every suspicion to take root so I was forced to see betrayal wherever I looked. That was why I turned my back on you without even giving you a chance to explain... you betrayed me, Chloe lied to me and made a deal with your father, Lana left me to go to Paris, my parents were acting all twitchy around me... at least that is how I was manipulated into feeling. Your father has nothing on mine when it comes to manipulation... at least your can't force your brainwaves to actually change... then again, yeah he did... so see again, you could have understood... if I had ever given you the chance. Anyway, I was sucked into the walls of the cave. When I came back I was not me any longer. I was Kal-El the last son of Krypton. Prince from the house of El... and a whole bunch of crap my oh, so ego ridden father believed. Thanks to Mom, and a huge chunk of black kryptonite... we fought, Kal-El and I, talk about a split personality... and I won.  
That was when I pulled away from your ongoing attempts to reconcile with me. I did the one thing I had sworn to never do... even in my anger... I turned my back on you. Now I will tell you why.  
I love you.  
I always have, though I did not realize it.  
While I was fighting with myself Jor-El was informing me of a few things. I have never told anyone this... except Chloe. And I only told her because she caught me attempting suicide.  
Seems laughable. I can run faster than any creature on this planet. Jump so high it is almost like flying. I can toss cars like they were toys and peel them open like sardine cans... but not having you was killing me from the inside out.  
I was down by crater lake, I had used my heat vision to carve a piece of meteor rock into a crude, but sharp, knife. There I was... getting weaker, the veins on my arm turning black. The pain was incredible. I loved it. It proved I could still feel. I lifted up the knife and started cutting my arm... not deeply because I was too weak, but small cuts would work... at least I hoped they would, because I was still holding the knife. As my breathing became labored, Chloe found me. She threw the knife away and held me as I sobbed. I told her everything. Everything I had hidden from everyone, how I felt about you... and why I could not have you. She cried too. And she became the only thing keeping me alive. I never told my parents, because I felt they would clue you in... in their desire to protect me, they would have denied me the right to protect you... but I am getting ahead of myself.  
Jor-El told me a few things about my body and my species. Apparently, we mate for life... we fall in love once in our entire lives and never again. I fell in love with you. And just like that, you became the perfect way to control me. If I had given you the truth... and I was not totally wrong in thinking you maybe could have loved me back, your life would have been irrevocably changed. Jor-El would have had the power, once we had consummated our relationship, to do to your mind, what he had tried so hard to do to mine. He could have made you hate me, he could have made you sick, he would have done what ever was necessary to turn me into his little invasion force of one.  
I couldn't let him do that. You are more precious to me than anything... and that is embarrassing to say since my mom is writing this letter... as much as I love my parents... it is you who completes me.  
I love you Alexander J. Luthor.  
I love your mind... you are an incredible genius.  
I love your body, as I have yet to see anyone real or imagined that can even begin to compare to you.  
I love your wit and your snarky humor.  
I love the way your eyes used to soften when you looked at me... how no one else could tell what you were feeling, not even you sometimes.  
I love your courage... I may be strong, but you blow me away. You have stood up to and faced off corporate sharks, terrorists, mutant monsters, and of course your father who is kind of all that rolled up into one. Even when you rebelled you did it on your terms. You are perfect, flaws and all... and my heart hurts knowing that I could not protect you from the one person who was able to hurt you the worst... me.  
Goodbye my love, I hope that this letter gives you some peace of mind and closure. I believe in you, I always have... I couldn't let Jor-El win... I couldn't stay friends... it hurt too much. May life bring you the joy that I have always wished for you. You are a good man, Lex. You were my life....  
Sorry, Lex. Clark slipped into unconsciousness. He hasn't woken up in several days. I don't think he will. His breathing is very shallow and his heartbeat is like a hummingbird's. I know Clark wanted us to wait until after he was gone, but he was right... we would have told you everything if we had known.  
Please hurry, we don't think he has much time left.  
Love, Martha, Jonathan... and Clark_

---

The letter was sent by special courier. It was hand delivered to one Lex Luthor, President and CEO of LexCorp. As he read it, his hands trembled and his legs gave out. Once he was finished he ordered a helicopter to be ready to leave in 15 minutes. While he waited, he called the Kent farm. After all these years he always had it programmed into what ever phone he was using. He told them he would be there in an hour. He called Chloe and had a driver pick her up from school.

He finally understood. So much of Clark's behavior made sense now... as did Chloe's undying loyalty to her friend. Lex and Chloe had become very close her last year of high school. They filled the Clark sized void in both of their lives. They were never lovers... just incredible friends... he had never understood how Chloe was able to forgive Clark... even going so far as turning down a scholarship to Yale so she could attend the same college as Clark... but now, now it made sense. She was watching out for him, being his friend... helping him go on. Only now it seemed that it may have all been in vain. Lex had to get to that farm, he had to tell Clark that he loved him too, he had to ... because if Clark died, Lex's heart died with him.

Chloe and Lex landed in the field behind the Kent's barn. Both of them paused and looked at Clark's old Fortress of Solitude' before glancing at each other and running into the house. Barely sparing a moment to acknowledge the elder Kents, Lex bounded up the stairs and burst into Clark's room. Lex's breath caught as he took in the man he had pined over for years. He had tried to hate him, had tried to loathe and despise him, but he had never been able to feel anything but an empty aching sadness.

Clark lay still. His barely moving chest the only indication that he was still alive. He looked so gaunt. His skin was pale and paper thin. He had dark circles under his eyes and his lips were chapped, broken and bleeding. His skin was flushed with fever and a fine sheen of sweat was apparent on his face and arms. Lex gingerly sat down on the edge of the bed. He reached out and grasped Clark's hand... Clark was a furnace; he was burning up. As Lex raised the hand in his and placed a gentle kiss Clark drew in a long shaking breath. Dropping Clark's hand, he grasped Clark's face. He started placing kisses all over it begging, pleading for Clark to wake up. His enthusiasm was rewarded. Slowly, as if they weighed a ton, Clark opened his eyes. As his eyesight cleared he gasped in surprise. "Lex?"

It was barely a whisper and it sent Clark into a coughing fit. Lex gave him some water and looked up at the Martha, Jonathon, and Chloe who all stood at the doorway each wearing shocked expressions. Tears of Joy fell from each of their eyes and even Lex would admit to crying.

"You can't be here... he will get you, you have to leave... you weren't supposed to know." Clark's strength gave out and he sank back down into the bed closing his eyes.

Until Lex started shouting, that is. "How dare you! Who died and made you ruler of my life. I have fought my whole life for the right to make my own decisions to be my own man... my father was unable to keep me from doing it, but you come along and decide what is best for me! What made you think that the agony, the loneliness, the sheer despair was worth you protecting me?"

"Any pain was worth protecting you. I would endure any pain Lex." Clark whispered.

"Not your pain Clark," Lex grasped Clark's hand again and used the other to brush his fingers over Clark's forehead, "I was talking about my pain. I love you, you stupid Alien. Martyr complex and all."

"You do?" The question was only mouthed as Clark had no strength left to speak. Tears started streaming down his face and his body started shaking.

"Clark! What's wrong? What's happening?" Lex cried in panic.

Before anyone could move Clark pulled Lex onto the bed next to him. "Hold me Lex. Just hold me and I'll stay for a little while. Hold me and don't let go."

"Never" Lex sighed. He drew Clark up next to him and held him. The tremors stayed for quite a while, but Clark's fever started going down and his breathing got easier. The presence of his mate eased Clark's painin both body and soul. As he drifted off to sleep he could hear Lex murmuring the reassurance and the promise that they would face the consequences together. Never alone. Never again.  
-  
This was supposed to be a one shot… however, I have been begged to turn it into an actual story. Let me know what you think… should I go on? Please Review, Thanks.


	2. Discovery

A/N: By request I am attempting to continue my story… let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing... except of course for my computer... but my grandma gave it to me... and you can't have it...

Discovery  
By DrarrySev

Once it appeared that Clark had settled into a deep sleep, Lex laid him down and tucked him in, drawing the blankets up to Clark's chin. As he gazed down at his beloved, he could finally admit to himself how much the dark haired, green eyed man meant to him.

He is torn, on the one hand he understands why Clark did what he did… because he would have done the same; on the other hand he is enraged that Clark would so willingly lay down his life without a fight. He had never seen Clark just give up before and that scared him a bit too. If Clark, with all of his gifts, was _that_ terrified of what this Jor-El person could do, what hope _was_ there for them?

As he turned from the bed and approached the Kents, a low moan caught his attention. Clark was gasping for breath and convulsing on the bed. Lex rushed over and grabbed Clark's shoulders to try to get him to lie still. As soon as Lex touched him, Clark stilled. With a little whimper he turned towards Lex and sighed. His breathing eased and he appeared to be resting peacefully once again. As an experiment, Lex let go of Clark's shoulders and took a small step back. Immediately Clark showed signs of distress. Lex sat down on the bed next to Clark with his back against the headboard. Carding his fingers through the sweat drenched hair he looked up at the three stunned people still staring from the door and with his confusion evident in his eyes asked, "Would anyone care to explain just what is happening here?"

Before Martha or Jonathon could respond, Chloe jumped in, "Well Lex you are Clark's _mate_. His ongoing separation from you is killing him. He always suggested that this would happen one day, but I just didn't want to believe it was true. He was always so strong. I guess I just wanted to think he would win this fight too."

"You _knew_ and you never told us! How could you? Chloe we are his parents we have a right to know about these things." Jonathon asked in desperation.

Chloe hung her head and motioned for the Kents to sit down. There were two chairs that the Kents had been using as they kept vigil over their son, so Martha sat on the bed on the other side of Clark and Jonathon moved one chair to sit next to her. Chloe sat in the other chair facing the three people who loved Clark more than life itself and Clark, her brother in all but blood. Swallowing nervously she admitted she wasn't sure where to start.

"The beginning usually works." Lex told her wryly.

"I guess I started really noticing something was wrong with Clark about two weeks before I found him down at the edge of Crater Lake. We have struggled for so long to define our relationship into something that made sense for both of us. When I first came to Smallville back in Junior High, I was an outsider. I was the smart mouthed city girl who dressed weird and acted even weirder. I made no secret of my disdain of small town life and how much less I thought of being here over living in Metropolis.

I think that is what first drew me to Clark. He stuck out so badly, poor thing. Apparently he had just had his first major growth spurt and went from small, insignificant, and easily overlooked to all grown up over the summer. The other kids stared at him with envy and being children were rather cruel in their treatment of him. He was called 'Freak', 'Mountain Man', and a variety of other unimaginative taunts by the students. He never retaliated, simply withdrew and stood off on his own.

The only person who seemed at all comfortable around him was Pete. Pete who was the only African-American student in Junior High and Clark, the Gentle Giant. Those two were obviously outcasts so being the self proclaimed outcast I was, I naturally sought out their company. We bonded the three of us. We all felt left out and hated or ignored… and while Pete and I wanted so desperately to find our special niche where we could shine in the spotlight… Clark just wanted to fade into the background.

Pete was so protective of him and I soon learned why. Clark exudes kindness and love. When the kids taunted him he never said a thing. He simply stood there or walked away as if it didn't matter, but if you saw his eyes you knew that he took each taunt, each cruel word into his heart. They wounded him deeply. One day, as we were leaving school one of the very boys who were so cruel to him fell off his bike in the street. The school bus was coming around the corner and there was no way it was going to stop before it hit him. I think I screamed and closed my eyes. Pete gasped and I my eyes opened, almost against their will.

What I saw was Clark standing next to the curb with his arms around the boy. He gently set the boy down and asked him if he was alright… I think the kid was in shock or something because Clark told the bus driver, who had rushed over as soon as he stopped the bus, to call the boys parents at work. Said they worked out at the plant and that he would stay with the kid until they got there. That was when I realized that I loved Clark Kent. It wasn't that he saved the kid's life as much as the gentleness that Clark showed as he calmed the boy down. I am not sure what the boy said to Clark, but it must not have been very nice because I saw him stiffen and move a little bit away. But despite his obvious discomfort he sat there for another hour until the kids parents came and picked him up.

That special aura that Clark exudes is what kept me by his side despite the many bumps our relationship has suffered over the years. But then Clark started acting strange. Not Smallville strange but different, more detached. His eyes seemed haunted and they lost that glow that they always had no matter how rough things were. He hardly ever spoke in class; he turned all his assignments in on time… even the ones for the paper. He quit the football team and started disappearing after school. I followed him a couple of times and that is how I knew he liked a certain spot out by Crater Lake. He would go and sit there, staring at the water for hours… then he would stand, brush off his jeans and trudge home to do his chores. But what really started sending off the warning signals was when he started giving gifts away.

Clark dropped his book bag one day in the Torch office. I saw the most interesting little metal box I had ever seen fall out. He picked it up and held it like it was precious. I asked him what it was for and he said that it was the first gift Lex had given him that he had been allowed to keep. When I asked him why he was carrying it around with him he told me he was returning it that afternoon as soon as school let out.

I pressed on in my investigative, read nosey, reporter mode and he said that Lex's mother had given it too him and since Lex had so few things from his mother, he was returning the box to him. He admitted he was afraid that once he was gone it might not be treated with the respect and reverence that it deserved. When I asked him what he meant by 'gone' his face paled and he said it was our last year in school and we would soon be off to college. I admit, I bought it… but little things kept grabbing my attention.

He mailed his entire collection of baseball cards to Pete.

He gave Lana his telescope, the one I knew had belonged to you and your dad mister Kent.

Then he made me a huge frame to permanently display my 'Wall of Weird' wherever I may roam. I found it hanging in the Torch along with a card. The card simply said that he wanted to make sure that I realized how much he had always depended on me and my 'quirky' sense of humor. Then he wished me a beautiful life filled with butterflies and buttercups… a reference to something I had told him back when we first met… and it struck me, he was saying goodbye. Notan 'I am running away' goodbye, but an 'I am ending it all' goodbye.

I rushed from school to his secret spot by the Lake. And that is where I found him doing just what my gut had told me he was going to do. He had a glowing green knife of some sort and was hacking away at his arm. He looked ill and his veins were all sticking out and they were writhing under his skin… they had turned black. He never heard me calling out to him he was so concentrated on his arm. I grabbed the knife and threw it as hard as I could. Then Clark looked at me and my heart broke. His eyes were so filled with pain and loneliness I did the only thing I could think of, I pulled him in my lap like a child and rocked him as he wept. We stayed like that for hours until he fell asleep.

When he woke he told me he couldn't do it anymore and when I asked him what it was he could no longer do he said…"

"I said, 'I can't lie anymoreand yet I can't stop'."

Everyone looked at the one who spoke. Clark was staring at Chloe, "Go on, you can tell them the rest, it is time for the truth to be known…"


End file.
